


The Clone Bone

by lionessvalenti



Category: Agents of Cracked
Genre: Blow Jobs, Episode Related, M/M, Missing Scene, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Self-cest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 18:52:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionessvalenti/pseuds/lionessvalenti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remember that one time Dan had sex with his exact duplicate? Yeah, he'd like to forget about it, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Clone Bone

There are only two meaningful things you can do when locked in a room with your doppelganger: fight them or fuck them. Apparently. According to some article Brian O'Donovan had read one time on the internet.

Whoever wrote that article was a goddamn idiot and Dan fucking hated him.

Dan thought about pointing out to Brian that they weren't actually locked in the room together. It was Brian's office for crying out loud. They could leave whenever they wanted. The door wasn't locked, or even closed all the way for that matter. 

But he didn't say anything. It was hard to when he was pinned to his chair, with Brian's mouth over his own. It wasn't terrible, maybe because his duplicate knew how he liked to be kissed. This might not be so bad, though Dan had no idea what Brian was thinking. Dan was the one who wanted to fight, after all.

"Maybe we should talk about this," Dan said as quickly as he could when Brian pulled away to take a breath. "What do you want to -- are we going to do?"

Brian reached up and carefully pulled Dan's glasses away from his face. He folded them up carefully and placed them out of the way. "I'm going to put my dick in your mouth until I come. Then we can switch. Is that okay?"

"It's definitely _not_ okay," Dan said, holding his hands up, nearly covering his face. "Why do you think any of this is okay?"

"Science," Brian replied.

"What?"

"Science?" he tried again, like perhaps Dan was a little dim and clearly the idiot clone. He unbuckled his belt and opened up his pants. "Don't you want to know what it'd be like? Is it masturbation or just sex with some other guy who looks like you? Or would it be better? If you're anything like me, and you are, I know what you like."

Dan considered reminding Brian that he liked sex with _women_ , but maybe Brian wasn't wrong. Dan had, after all, already fought a clone of himself and survived. Why not try the alternative? But why did these have to be the only two options? Couldn't they just complain about their partners some more? It had been going so _well_ up until now.

"I never thought about it," Dan said. He closed his eyes as Brian kissed his neck. No one had ever kissed his neck like that before. Maybe it wouldn't be all bad. "Okay," he said finally, opening his eyes again. "For science."

Brian tugged the shirttails from the front of Dan's pants. He leaned forward, but Dan held his hands up again.

"We shouldn't kiss. That's weird. Weird _er_. Than the rest of it." He wasn't actually sure how that could be weirder than anything else that was happening today, but it sounded good.

Brian nodded. "You're probably right. I'm just going to put my dick in your mouth now."

"Maybe we should kiss some more," Dan said.

With the same ferocity that had pinned to Dan to the chair moments before, Brian grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to the ground. His knees were already aching.

"Oh shit," Dan muttered. "This isn't prison rapey at all."

Brian pulled his cock out his pants and Dan stared at it. Is that what his dick looked like from the outside? It wasn't bad. He could definitely be working with worse equipment, though from this vantage point, he was suddenly thankful that it wasn't any bigger. His fifteen year old self would be so disappointed in him for thinking that.

He was even more thankful that there was only one other version of himself in the room.

"Science," Dan said, though he didn't really believe that, and then swallowed. There was a dick in front of his face. Abstractly, this was _his_ dick. Who hadn't thought about how awesome it would be to be able to suck your own dick? Or was that just him? Holy shit, that was just him, wasn't it?

"Come on," Brian said. "It's not like you haven't thought about what it'd be like to suck your own dick."

Well, at least he wasn't alone in this. Or maybe he was. It was getting too confusing to keep thinking about it, so Dan squeezed his eyes shut and opened his mouth.

There was a fact, and that fact was that Dan hadn't received many blowjobs in his life. Some, yes, sure, but not a lot. He didn't really know what he liked besides _wet, warm, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god_. What the fuck was he supposed to do? Should he move his tongue? Or suck his cheeks in? And could he get an STD from his own duplicate?

Brian's hands ran along the ton of Dan's head and curled around the back of his skull as he thrust in and out of Dan's mouth, moaning. He sounded halfway between a cow giving birth (something Dan had never actually heard, but could use his imagination) and bad porn.

Was that what he sounded like during sex? Jesus, no wonder it was so difficult to get a woman to sleep with him for a second time.

It was weird that having a dick in his mouth _wasn't_ weird. That was weird, right? It wasn't exactly _comfortable_ , but it felt fine, as far as a cock in the face went.

"Oh fuck," Brian muttered, and Dan knew what was coming next, without any illusion of pun. He tried to move away, to back up, to do anything, but Brian's hands were still cupped around his head, and he was stuck.

Dan tried to protest, but his words were muffled with his mouth wrapped around Brian's dick. He stared up at Brian, panicked, and -- fuck, he looked like that when he came? Maybe _that_ was the problem.

Then all of his senses were filled with jizz. He choked on the come in his mouth and as he desperately tried to swallow, all he did was, somehow, snort it up into his nose. He nearly threw up, and his nasal cavities burned as he tried to breathe, and failed.

Brian let go of his head and stumbled back into his chair, but Dan wasn't looking at him. Dan was now on all fours, gasping for breath and drooling come onto the floor as it also leaked out his nose.

"Fuck!" Dan said, all stuffed up. He wiped his nose with the back of one hand as he somehow managed to get to shakily his feet. He sat down and looked at Brian. "That sure as hell wasn't masturbation."

Brian stared at him. "No, it was... it was the worst. You should go."

" _What_? The worst? I should -- are you fucking kidding me? What happened to switching?" Dan coughed and spat on the floor again. He didn't care if he was in someone's office. There was just no caring left. "It's your turn!"

"You should get the fuck out," Brian said. "I have to think about this. Get your partner and get out."

Dan stood up. "Fine. Fuck you. If you think that was the worst, you aren't the one with semen in his lungs. That was awful." He was going to get Michael and get out of there. Not because Brian told him to, but because he needed to storm out. Or at least be annoyed somewhere else. He grabbed his glasses and shoved them on his face. "I'm leaving. I'm so glad I killed my last clone."

He was so ready to be angry at Brian and at Michael for bringing them there int he first place, except when he came across Michael and _his_ clone laughing and having fun, Dan wasn't mad anymore. He just felt sad. Why did he always get the shitty end of everything? And there was probably come on his shirt.

This was definitely the worst day of his life. So far. He was pretty sure it was only going to get worse.


End file.
